April 1, Louisville, KY
The waters flowing through the McAlpine Locks turned temporarily brackish as the endless tears of a million heartbroken Louisville fans flooded the area before draining off into the Ohio River last night. Thousands of fresh water fish went belly up as saline levels in the river rose. Biologists from the University of Louisville were at a loss to explain what happened, but the Dean of the psychology department at the university shed this light on the phenomenon:
“Louisville basketball is as important to the citizens of our fair city as Hollywood is to Californians. Some thought it was just as shallow, but apparently the pain of such a monumental loss triggered the first human-made natural disaster on record. We are deeply in love with our team in the same way the ‘Leave Britney Alone’ gentleman was with Britney Spears. Now magnify his tears times a million Greater Louisville citizens and those of surrounding counties. This was bound to happen. A watershed moment if ever I saw one.”
The Cards lost to the Wildcats 69-61 last night in a rare Final Four match up for the longtime rivals.
Employees from the Falls of the Ohio and the Kentucky Fish & Wildlife Department are coordinating with the University of Louisville biology department to determine how to go about repopulating the fish in the river. A spokesman, struggling through his own tears, suggested it could be a decade before the issue is fully resolved. It was unclear if his tears were a result of the game loss or the intensifying smell of rotting, putrid fish in the downtown area.
Asked about the situation in New Orleans, Coach Calipari said, “Well, I expect that’s about how long we’ll have bragging rights. Coincidence? I think not.”